my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
