remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
