I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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