I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
