in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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