Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
