I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's blow job season.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
