Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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