omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
