I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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