she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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