Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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