theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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