i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
