If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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