Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
