We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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