there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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