I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
