Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
