just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
