playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
