nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
