If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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