At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
