No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
