I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
