i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
