just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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