The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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