Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
