Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
