if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
