hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Don't make out with my wife yet
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
