matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
