when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
