At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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