When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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