So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
