I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My pussy is not your playground.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
