Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
