guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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