The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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