my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
