i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
