My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
