apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
