i need an iv and a liver transplant
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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