It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
