Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
